How to Lose Your Children
Ephesians 6:1-4
Colossians 3:21
It seems that there are so many children today who have no respect for their parents, which many parents blindly believe is a fulfillment of 2 Tim 3:2 (...disobedient to parents ...). And although many children are rebellious against parents who train them up right, and children are accountable for their actions, many are provoked to such behavior by parents who obviously do not obey the scriptures themselves, especially the text scriptures from Ephesians & Colossians. So, having that in mind, and knowing from experience and observation the widespread nature of this problem, I would like to show you seven ways you can lose your children by "provoking them to wrath."
Now, when I say "lose" your children, I do not mean losing them to eternal perdition in Hell, although that is a possibility. No, I speak of losing them in the sense of them having no respect for you any more. Many parents wonder why their children never want to talk to them, or be seen with them, or visit them (yes, this even applies to grown children), or bring the grandchildren by. Maybe they areyour actions. You may never have thought of that. But it could well be that you can't blame them for this one. The guilt all goes in your corner this time. rebellious, or maybe you pushed them away from you by
Just a word to the children before we go on - if your parents have destroyed all your respect for them, you don't have to treat them like slime. You should still act right whether they do or not, and deal with that anger & wrath in prayer. You don't have to fake having respect for them, but do love them, and remember that you should "honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise..."
But parents, that doesn't mean you should keep on acting that way and demand their love and respect regardless of your behavior, because you are still sinning in God's sight if you provoke them to anger. The first five of these can be found in 1 Peter 2:1, where we are told about growing in the Lord.
I. Chastisement from wrath
This is a common problem in homes. Parents should discipline their children, whether through whipping or some other means of chastisement, but the motivation for chastening should always be love and correction, not to let out all your frustrations and anger. Some of you yell at your children for unimportant reasons, and make them feel unloved by letting your wrath be your motive for chastening. Hebrews 12:5-11 tells us that God whips us out of love. Remember, His chastisement is not to punish us, because Jesus took all our punishment. Rather, He uses the rod of correction to get us back on the right track. You should be firm but calm when you whip your children, not all blown up and angry. Chastening done from anger only makes them feel like a whipping block you use to let out all your frustrations, from work, from church, from your spouse, or any other situation or area. I always hug my son after whipping him to let him know I do not hate him, but want him to do right, and that doing wrong will result in correction, painful though it may be. But some of your children wonder whether you love them, and some believe you just hate them, and only have them around to unload on because you won't deal with your anger properly. Ephesians 4:31 tell us to "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice [meaning evil motives]..." Put it away from you in prayer, not in whippings and yelling matches.
II. Hypocrisy Romans 2:1, 17-23; James 3:17
Want your children to grow up with no respect for you? Just be a hypocrite. For example, many parents drink, smoke, or chew tobacco. Then they tell their children, "Don't you ever do this. It's bad. I just haven't quit because I can't." Now, Jesus spoke of you folks in Matthew 23:3 - "All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, observe and do; but do not after their works: for they say, and do not." In other words, don't follow the actions of a hypocrite. And, while I'm on the subject, if you are saved and say you can't quit sinning, then either you're lying, or you're calling God a liar, because you "can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth" you. And, "Nothing shall be impossible with God." So, either quit saying you can't quit smoking, drinking, or whatever your habit is, or quit calling yourself a Christian; please, for Jesus' sake! Only lost folks can't quit sinning. And that applies to any sin. But just act the hypocrite around your children, and watch them grow distant and cold towards you. And then, please, don't ask why. Tell them all your complaints against your pastor, and then don't tell him about it. Run down church members, then act like you love them when you see them. Shout the preacher on during meeting, then criticize him back at the house. Guess who's watching you.... those precious children. Are you not a hypocrite? You are the very reason children come up not knowing anything about a decent marriage and then they end up in divorce court. Shame on you, Mom and Dad! Shame on you!
III. Knocking them down
Not physically. That would be bad enough, and I hope you don't do that. I mean that you can provoke them to wrath by knocking them down verbally. James 1:5 tells us that when we ask for wisdom, God "upbraideth not," but some of you upbraid your children when they ask you about something or for something. Upbraid means all or any of the following: to rail at, chide, taunt; cast in teeth, reproach, revile. In other words, when you talk down to them, they don't respect you (and shouldn't). Of course, we know that correcting them is not wrong, but how you do it can be. Being firm and to the point is fine, and to be expected. But I feel sorry for children who have to endure such things as this, "That was a stupid thing to do, You can't do anything right!" Or, how about this one, "Shut up! I don't want to hear anymore of your dumb ideas, you idiot." Some of you use more colorful words than that when no one else is around, don't you? Then you say, "Well, I didn't mean to cuss. It slipped." Wrong answer. Recall these words."Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh." But, getting back on the subject, Ephesians 6:4 says not to knock them down, but to "bring them up." Quite a contrast! Ephesians 4:29 is really heavy, even saying "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers." Ouch! God help us! Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Well? Are you a target shooter? Remember that game at the fair, where you throw a ball at those bottles and try to knock them down for prizes? Wonder how much some of you would've won already. Only problem is, those precious children break a whole lot easier, whether you notice it or not.
IV. Partiality
Do you have respect of persons with your children? Does one get privileges the others do not? Surely with age comes privilege, and that is right. Older children should get more privileges. But, some of you treat that youngest one like a king, and the older ones like dogs. Did you make one pay for his own car, and buy a car for another? Read Genesis 37:3-5. Sure, Joseph's brothers were rebels, and I know God was providentially setting up a good future for them. But notice why they hated him. Verse 4 - "his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren." Could your children say that about you? We see the same problem with Jacob and Esau before them. Hey, I wonder where Jacob learned that from? Yep, good old dad. Isaac favored Esau more, and Rebeka favored Jacob. Don't fall for that old trap. God doesn't treat us like that.
V. Jealousy of others (not being satisfied with your family situation and your blessings)
Here we stumble across another major hindrance in many households. "Why can't you make a good grade in science? Sister Suzy's son can." "Why don't you act as sweet as Brother Joe's kids? They never you can make them wish they had been good), especially when you make them feel like they are so worthless unless they fit your little selfish mold. Maybe if they spent about 6 months at Brother Joe's he would train them right, and not provoke them to wrath like you do. Your only comparison should be scriptures, not the next family. Quit trying to keep up. And if you had Brother Joe's kids for a while, they'd eventually show some rebellion, especially with your attitude. You might ruin them! Remember, as God's children, we live right, not because we have to in order to be loved, but because we want to and because we are loved. Try the same principle with your children. Romans 4-7 teaches us that a law will produce rebellion. So try grace. Don't make them feel like they will be hated for not doing right. Chastised, yes, but not hated. And quit complaining and wishing out loud that you were rich, or had no health problems, or whatever. Hebrews 13:5 says to "Let your conversation be without covetousness, and be content with such things as ye have..." What's so bad about having what God wants you to have, and being where God wants you to be? Jealousy is like a cancer; it eats from the inside and eventually consumes the whole body. Then it causes separation. act up." Yeah, right! Maybe your kids don't act like you want because you compare them to others. Aside from training them about manners and about good behavior, what else can you do? You cannot force them to be smart, or to understand things. You can't even make them be good (although
VI. Being too liberal with them
Now, some of you will say "Amen" here, and try to justify being a little more strict with them. But don't do that until you read the last point. You're really missing the boat otherwise. It is possible to be too loose, and let them get by with too much and do too much. How can you tell? When they start to take advantage of you and make you feel like you'd better give them their way or else. Of course, if you did get too loose and then try to tighten back up, you set yourself up for a fight. Way to go, hero. But don't let them run off with everyone that comes along. Don't let them skip church and do all sorts of things that you know are wrong, because then they think you really don't care about them. Some kids are as mean as the devil because Mom & Dad never spanked them, or told them they were wrong. They sass you all the time because you always say, "If you don't stop, I'm going to whip you." Then you never follow through, and you've been about whip them for 15 years and never seem to be able to draw the line. Now they walk all over you, and you wonder why. It's a fulfillment of Ecclesiastes 8:11, "Because sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil." I've seen 2-and 3-year-olds that practically pushed their folks around because Mom & Dad wouldn't get a backbone and say no. They were afraid they would damage their personality and push them away. Please. You're the kind of parents that produced the 60's and 70's pot-smoking, sex-crazed crowd. You're the folks that gave us the self-centered 80's and 90's crowd we see now, that always think they've got to have it their way. Well, this isn't Burger King, so they don't deserve to get it their way. Let them follow proper authority or else.
VII. Being too strict
I may lose a few of you here. However, you can go to the other ditch and be too strict. Not many parents fall here. But you're the type that always has to show that you're in control and nobody's going to rule over you. Let me tell you something, if you're the parent, you don't have to prove it. Just set the guidelines and if they follow, fine. If they don't, get out the rod. But don't feel like you have to always bust their bubble and dash all their hopes. Ecclesiastes 7:16 says "Be not righteous over much...," meaning don't be self-righteous. You can lose your children by saying "No" when you should have said "Yes." Read what Colossians 2:20-22 says about legalism in a Christian's life. Then compare that to your home. Having rules and standards is fine and necessary. But push it too far, like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, and you've suddenly pushed those children away from you. Go ahead! Set the standards too high and then make them feel worthless for not reaching your selfish goals. Deny them the opportunity to grow up, and watch them sneak around and grow up the wrong way. Growing up is going to happen. Why not help them and guide them, rather than try to keep them young and ignorant. I know it's hard, but it's better than seeing them go liberal because you put too heavy a yoke on them (see Matthew 23:4, 13). Don't misunderstand me. It's better to start out a little tighter than necessary, then loosen up, than to loosen up and not be able to tighten up again. But with God's guidance, you shouldn't have a problem leading them right. Oh, and don't expect them to live by standards you don't keep. That's hypocrisy again. Remember this about being too strict or too loose: No law means no sin, which means no sense of right or wrong. That's too loose. A law with no basis or no moderation means a heavy yoke of rules, which will be broken by a rebellious nature. That's too tight. Grace means I want to do right because I am loved regardless of my performance. Don't make them feel they have to keep rules for you to love them. Don't over-burden them with a heavy load of rights and wrongs, because they'll break it just to see what freedom is. Interestingly enough, most homes have a mix of this point and the previous one: too liberal on some things, too tight on others.
Now, if you've already done damage, it's not too late. You need to repent, then ask your children's forgiveness, and dedicate yourself to love them and be respectable to them. If you stay right with God, it will show, and they will respect you. If they don't, and you're acting right, then the problem is with them. But I really believe you will find that, almost all the time, you had something to do with their lack of respect by the ways you provoke them to wrath. May God bless you and help you be the best parent you can be.
